Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
