I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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