I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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