The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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