The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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