I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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