Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
