Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
