My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
