i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
50% drunk capacity currently
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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