Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm always down for nudity.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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