she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
