1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
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she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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