The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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