I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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