My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
