I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
