I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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