We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
