You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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