I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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