He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
