Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
