How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
