i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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