Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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