This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
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I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
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And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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