is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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