I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I want her autograph on my taint
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
