Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
