i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY