I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
