ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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