yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
