Need sex. Gaining weight.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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