wanna go halves on a baby?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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