I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
