2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Randomize
