I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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