um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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