apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
