i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
