I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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