Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
