totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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