I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
