my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
