Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
