I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
