He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's great music for shaving your balls
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
