My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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