Non-Jews are for practice
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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