Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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