Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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