I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
