Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
