Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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