Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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