Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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