my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
